Name-calling and other types of negative feedback can be downright destructive--if you let them get the better of you. We all know they are just words, but how do you keep from taking them personally?

Your response to negative feedback in the workplace--or anywhere else--can determine its impact. So says Dr. Stan Dale, an inspirational speaker and director of the Human Awareness Institute in San Carlos, CA. “No one can ever reject you,” says Dale, “they can only say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to your requests. If you feel hurt or rejected, it may have something to do with how you feel about yourself. People who feel okay about themselves and are centered don’t put others down. They give a critical evaluation, and they want a win-win rather than a win-lose result.”

Why Me?
What happens when you’re faced with a problem that’s more serious that a simple put-down, such as a romantic break-up, getting fired, or even poor health? Many people make the mistake of thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” This sense of feeling victimized comes from taking things too personally, says Dale, whether you’re dealing with cancer or someone’s careless remark. You can avoid this feeling by cultivating compassion for yourself (and the perpetrator) and by looking for the positives in any situation.

“As long as you don’t feel like a victim, you can take every situation as a positive,” advises Dale. He should know. Dale was fired from his job as a radio announcer--an experience he calls “the biggest ‘A-Ha!’ I ever had.” Instead of plotting revenge, he talked with his [now former] boss to understand why he was fired. “I chose to listen. Everything is a choice. I didn’t allow myself to be victimized by it. I had to realize how I was contributing to the situation, and take responsibility for myself.”

Dr. Christiane Northrup, in her book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1998), echoes Dale’s sentiment. “If we fail to notice,” she says, “the ways in which we daily cooperate with the system that’s destroying us, we’re in danger of operating out of the perpetual-victim mode, always blaming someone ‘out there’ for our problems. For healing to occur, we must come to see that we are not so much responsible for our illnesses [or problems] as responsible to them.

“The healthiest people I know don’t take their diseases or even their lives too personally,” she continues. “They spend very little time beating themselves up about their illnesses, their life circumstances, or anything else. [They say] ‘I take full responsibility not for getting cancer in the first place, not for ultimately surviving it, but rather for the quality of the way I am responding to this bit of chaos thrown into my life.’”

All Cherries Have Pits
Chaos--or suffering--is a natural part of life, according to the Dalai Lama. As the Tibetan spiritual leader, who was ousted by the Chinese in 1949, writes in The Art of Happiness: a Handbook for Living (Riverhead Books, 1998): “When you experience some physical pain or other problem … there’s a feeling of rejection associated with the suffering, a kind of feeling of ‘Oh, I shouldn’t be experiencing this.’ But if you can look at the situation from another angle and realize that this very body … is the basis of suffering, then this reduces that feeling of rejection--the feeling that somehow you don’t deserve to suffer, that you are a victim. So, once you understand and accept this reality, then you experience suffering as something that is quite natural.”

And his co-author, Dr. Howard Cutler, goes further: “If we think of suffering as something unnatural, something that we shouldn’t be experiencing, then it’s not much of a leap to begin to look for someone to blame for our suffering. If I’m unhappy, then I must be the ‘victim’ of someone or something--an idea that’s all too common in the West. The victimizer may be the government, the educational system, abusive parents, a ‘dysfunctional family,’ the other gender, or our uncaring mate. Or we may turn blame inward: there’s something wrong with me. But the risk of continuing to focus on assigning blame and maintaining a victim stance is the perpetuation of our suffering--with persistent feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment.”

Learning to Shift Perspective
“If you look from a different angle,” says the Dalai Lama, “then surely the person who caused this anger in you will have a lot of other positive aspects, positive qualities. If you look carefully, you will also find that the act which has made you angry has also given you certain opportunities, something which otherwise would not have been possible from your point of view.”

In Stan Dale’s case, his opportunity became a new career helping people feel good about themselves. What will your opportunity be?

Some QTIPs for Work

• Understand that there’s something positive in every negative experience. Rather than feeling victimized over the fact that you didn’t get that promotion, focus on what you can learn from the situation. You may find that you need to brush up on your skills or polish up your resume in preparation for a new job search. In that way, your disappointment becomes a stepping stone, not a roadblock.

   

• Learn to have compassion for both yourself and your fellow workers. In a new position, for example, you may need a ramp-up period and you are bound to make mistakes. If those mistakes spark negative reactions from co-workers, understand that they are probably overworked, overwhelmed, and under-appreciated themselves. Use their comments as opportunities for establishing dialogue.

   

• Stop seeing your problems at work as unnatural or isolated. Realize that it’s a natural part of the workplace to experience some negativity. It may sound strange, but you should use negativity to your advantage.